


Almost Said It

by justyrae



Series: I Didn't Know I Was Broken 'Til I Wanted to Change [1]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Kissing, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Nick wants to hear are those three little words, but even he doesn't know if he can say them aloud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Said It

**Author's Note:**

> title from the Carly Rae Jepsen song of the same name (lyrics within the fic as well)

_I always want more, I’m never gonna get it_

The moment his phone lit up with a new text, Nick felt his heart leap into his throat. He quickly recovered - he had to, as he was still on the air - but just his name on the screen sent a shiver down Nick’s spine. He knew Louis was back in town - how could he not? But he’d be lying if he said he’d expected to hear from him.

He couldn’t even bring himself to check the message during a break. He wanted to read it, but at the same time he was terrified of what it could say. He thought about the last time they’d seen each other and the things they’d said; his mind dwelling on what he’d wanted to say and couldn’t bring himself to.

Nick had been waiting for what seemed like forever to find someone to say those three little words to. Never in a million years had he thought that he’d want to say them to Louis fucking Tomlinson.

_You’re gonna be the one I never got that got away, and I’ll regret it_

The last time Louis had left his flat had been on less than stellar terms, and as Nick cradled his phone he wondered if the message was some little taunting remark that would make his blood boil. There was no one in the world who could push Nick’s buttons like Louis, and he knew it very well.

By the time Nick finally worked up the courage to read it he was already headed home from the BBC studios. He tried to make his hands stop shaking; it was hard enough to unlock his phone already.

**See you soon.**

Nick exhaled sharply, letting out a laugh of disbelief. _That_ was the text he’d been dreading to read all morning? It was hardly anything worth worrying over, yet a newfound fear flooded Nick’s veins and he had to take several deep breaths to calm himself down.

He cursed Louis under his breath for being an unbelievable twat who, despite having no issue telling complete strangers what he thinks of them, cannot just fucking tell Nick a goddamn thing. Ever.

_Just a moment in time, but I can’t forget it_

As he rode the tube back to his flat, his headphones shoved so deep into his ears and the volume turned all the way up that he was sure to lose his hearing, he closed his eyes and tried to think of anything other than Louis. It didn’t work; it never does. Whenever Nick tries adamantly not to think about something, it’s suddenly all his mind can focus on.

He thought about the fight they’d had before Louis had left for tour. It was the same fight they’d always have before Louis would go away, and Nick hated it. He hated that he’d fallen so hard for someone who couldn’t care less about Nick’s feelings. He hated that he couldn’t let Louis go even though he knew that it would be the right thing to do. As much as it broke his heart, he knew that he couldn’t stay in a relationship - if that’s even what it was - where the person he loved didn’t love him back.

_If this is love, I should be dying_

He couldn’t even hold Louis’ hand in public - not that they ever went out in public anyway. It was always hiding in each other’s flats and sneaking off during events for a snog. Nick couldn’t deny that it was the thrill that had made whatever he and Louis had last this long. Well, at least that’s what he told himself to make him feel better about the situation as a whole.

No matter how many times Nick asked, Louis would never tell him why he didn’t want them to be seen together. It had long since stopped being a question of the world’s acceptance of Louis’ sexuality - he’d already come out before the start of their last tour - so in Nick’s mind it came down to one thing: Louis was ashamed of him.

_But I’m going downtown like I still care, like I’m still trying_

For the first few weeks after Louis left, Nick made a point to be seen out as often as he could. He kept hoping that he’d get a message from Louis, or even Harry at this point, asking just what the hell he thought he was doing. But after too many times pouring himself into bed alone at the end of the night, he gave up on the idea.

_I said I was over you, but I’m lying_

Nick had resigned himself to the fact that Louis had really meant it when he said he didn’t care what Nick did anymore. Nick would never, ever admit it to anyone but that hurt him more than anything else Louis had ever said or done.

At least when Louis had made jokes at his expense in public in the past or said something particularly hurtful when it was just the two of them, he’d always been around to apologize after. This time, he walked out of Nick’s flat and didn’t look back.

_I know you’re not evil, so why do you tease me?_

Nick opened his eyes just in time to get off the tube at his stop, quickly rushing through the doors before they closed and he’d end up god knows where. He chuckled as he arranged his bag over his shoulder, his mind bringing up a memory of the one and only time where he and Louis had been in public together that wasn’t some BBC event. Of course, Harry had been with them as a buffer without even realizing it at the time, but that hadn’t changed much.

Nick shook his head, forcing out the memory of Louis pushing him out of the tube at some random stop and cackling when he’d missed his chance to get back on. Harry apologized profusely for Louis later that night, but Nick brushed it off. He remembered how he’d made Louis pay for that even later that night, and quickly shook his head again to get rid of the memory.

_Staying around here late at night, you don’t make it easy_

He couldn’t think about that now. He didn’t want to think about all the times that he’d gone to sleep with Louis next to him in his bed, waking up to a mess of tangled limbs and sore spots where Louis had pinned him during the night.

Those were his favorite mornings; even when he had to be up at an ungodly hour and Louis complained to no end in a sleepy voice that made Nick turn to jelly. But on the mornings where he could stay in bed all day if he wanted to, he’d curl his arms around Louis and pray silently that he’d never have to let go.

_It’s in my body language, read me_

Nick wrapped his arms around himself when a particularly forceful gust of wind blew by, sending a shiver throughout his body. He dug his fingers into his bicep, enough to hurt and make him forget. It hadn’t started out this way; he used to hold himself tightly to try and remember how it felt when Louis would wrap his arms around Nick. He loved the feeling then, but now it just filled him with a sense of longing that broke his heart.

His heart had been broken and patched up so many times in the last few years that Nick was sure it was beyond repair. If he was to make a list of every time he’d had to put it back together, he was positive that Louis would be the worst offender.

But that didn’t stop his heart from swelling when he looked up from the sidewalk to see Louis standing on his doorstep.

_And it’s like every time you look at me, I say it silently_

Nick just stared, hardly believing his eyes. Louis shifted uncomfortably with his hands buried deep in his pockets as he looked at Nick expectantly.

“Going to invite me in or what?” he snapped without a trace of his usual taunting smile.

Nick chose to not reply and climbed the few steps to his front door, carefully avoiding brushing against Louis in any way as he unlocked the door. He pushed it forward and gestured for Louis to go first, which he did without another word. Nick took a deep breath, pinched the bridge of his nose as he let it out slowly. He ran a hand through his hair, his quiff long since fallen due to the wind, before stepping inside.

At once, Louis pressed Nick up against the back of the door and attached their lips together. Nick lost himself in the feeling, trying to memorize how Louis felt under his hands before the next time he left him all alone.

“I’m sorry,” Louis mumbled against his lips, hardly pulling back to say the words. Nick still didn’t reply, he just tightened his grip on Louis and kept him in place.

_You say that you’re still not free, well, I hear selectively_

They weren’t the words Nick wanted to hear, but they were enough for now. Louis was here; he was in Nick’s arms, and there was nothing that could tear them apart right now.

_This still means someday you might be_

Louis kept apologizing, even as they moved into Nick’s bedroom. Nick did his best to keep his own mouth occupied, because he knew if he opened his mouth those three words would fall out and he’d lose everything. He would give anything in the world to be able to say them and keep Louis in his arms, but if it came down to one or the other, well, no one could blame him.

Nick half-expected Louis to make a run for it after he regained the use of his limbs. He was still trying to catch his breath when Louis rolled over and pressed their bodies together, tucking his head into the crook of Nick’s neck.

“I missed you,” he said softly as he began drawing invisible lines on Nick’s chest. Nick’s heart swelled and he pressed a kiss to the top of Louis’ head.

If there were ever a time for Nick to say those three words, he knew this was it. He gently cupped Louis’ face and lifted it so their eyes met. He stared into Louis’ blue eyes, swearing that they’d never been brighter than they were in that moment, and he chuckled softly.

“Same here, love.”

Louis leaned forward to bring their lips together again once more before he settled back into his previous position. Nick let out a breath as quietly as he could, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.

He couldn’t say it, but that was okay. Louis was still here, and there’d be another chance.

_We were just this close but we couldn’t say it._

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


End file.
